it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
