The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
