I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
