Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You have to summon your inner elephant
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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