I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
