where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
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buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
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New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
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