So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
