I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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