i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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