Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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