Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
