just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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