I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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