plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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