I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
