With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
