dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
