mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
