if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
