im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
