That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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