this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
