My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
