i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
