3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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