I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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