Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
