I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
