i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
