For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
