just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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