Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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