the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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