Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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