im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize