Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
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she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
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I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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