I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My vagina is officially offended.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
