apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
