connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
