Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
