Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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