i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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