just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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