mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
