I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
