The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
