i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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