your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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