How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
