i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
