I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The power of my boobs compel you
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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