Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
