can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
