I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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